5 Ways to Support Loved Ones Who Have Survived Domestic Violence

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Mar 16

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Chances are high that someone in your life has been impacted by domestic violence (DV) or sexual assault (SA). We want what is best for our loved ones, so I wanted to offer some different ways to engage and support survivors so our loved ones can feel seen and supported. Here are five tips to keep in mind:

1. Believe them. Belief is one of the most powerful and meaningful tools we can use when supporting someone who has experienced DV or SA. When someone shares with us that they were hurt, the last thing they want is for us to tell them it didn’t happen or for us to question if they are telling the truth. With belief, we can remind a survivor that we are listening and are here to support them. Let them set the pace of the conversation and remember that they are trusting us with something important. Honor that.

2. Listen without judgment. When someone discloses an experience of DV or SA, it is important to practice active listening and withhold judgement. Survivors of DV and SA have already experienced a loss of control in one way or another, so we don’t want to further add to that by taking away control of their story or their healing with assumptions we may make about what happened or how they should move forward. While we may have ideas or suggestions about what is best for someone, we don’t know all the specifics of what someone experienced or what is best for them. Through active listening and withholding judgement we reinforce survivors know the most about their own experiences and our role is to support them in finding a way to healing that makes sense to them.

3. Respect their decisions. Safety is important in helping people navigate healing, but equally important is supporting survivors’ self-determination and decision making. This can be a hard concept to wrestle with, given decisions from the outside looking in don’t always appear to make sense. However, decision making around things like reporting or leaving an abusive partner can be more complicated than people originally consider. For example, there are many reasons survivors may wish to stay with their partner. They may not have the means to leave, they may have kids they are concerned about, or they may love the person that is causing them harm. Abusive partners may also make it difficult to leave by exercising control over finances and other important resources. Many survivors decide not to report their assault out of fear of re-traumatization or having to go through lengthy court proceedings where they will have to face their perpetrators again and again. While there isn’t a right or wrong decision here, the goal we are striving for is to help the person we care about feel as supported as possible.

4. Help create a safety plan. One helpful tool is a safety plan to think through how they will keep themselves safe if things escalate. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Identify a safe place to go in an emergency if you decide to leave your home or know how you plan to leave your home in an emergency.
Have a go bag ready with important documents you may need (birth certificates, social security cards, some cash, a change of clothes, toiletries, etc.)
Identify your support network and how to activate them when you need help. Do you want to have a code word if you need someone to come over immediately?
Turn off your cell phone if you are worried about tracking and be mindful of visiting sites that could arose suspicion if planning to leave.

While this process can be overwhelming calling a local domestic violence helpline and speaking with an advocate to walk through this process can help it feel less intimidating. One of the local hotlines you might try is the YWCA of Clark Country Hotline (360)-695-0501

5. Do your own research. It can be overwhelming to navigate exiting an abusive relationship or finding resources. As such, having these resources on hand for a conversation with your loved one can make this process feel much less intimidating. This can also increase your confidence and make you feel less alone in tackling these overwhelming subjects.

Thank you for taking the time to read these tips. This list is by no means comprehensive, and there is so much more we can do to support survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. However, if we can believe survivors, listen to what they are telling us, and respect their decision making, we can offer a great deal of support and make survivors feel seen when they come to us for help.