Back to school tips
Parenting strategies that incorporate principles from the Polyvagal Theory can be effective in helping children regulate their emotions and responses to stress. The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how the autonomic nervous system influences social behavior, emotional regulation, and physiological responses. Here are ways parents can apply these principles to support their children’s regulation:
Co-Regulation: Parents can model regulated behavior and provide a calming presence. When children are upset, parents’ calm demeanor can help soothe their nervous system and guide them back to a regulated state. As caregivers, we are “mirrors” to our children. If we are stressed, they feel stressed. If we are sad, they feel sad, if we are irritated, they feel irritated. Remember, It is okay to express ALL feelings, however, it is what we DO with these emotions that makes all of the difference. For the caregiver, this can look like naming your emotion (ie. Woah I am feeling overwhelmed right now), and then modeling and NAMING what SKILL you are going to access (ie. because I am feeling overwhelmed, I am going to take 3 deep breaths to calm my body down), and even adding in positive affirmations can be helpful too (ie. Even though I am overwhelmed, I can do hard things, I can stay calm).
Connect Through Play: Engaging in playful and interactive activities with your child can help strengthen their social engagement system and foster a sense of safety. Research shows that by setting time aside each day to play with your child improves their self-esteem, problem solving skills, emotional and social skills, and increases a deeper connection with you. Which in turn, will increase your childs ability and willingness to listen and follow directions, rules, and responsibilities that are expected of them throughout their day.
Teach Breathing, mindfulness, & grounding: Teach your child simple breathing exercises to help them activate the vagus nerve’s calming effects and manage stress. Practicing deep and slow breathing together can be helpful. - One of our favorite breathing strategies to teach children who are worried about the start of the new school year is called “Let it go breath”. Have your child think of something that is worrying or bothering them about the start of the new school year. Have them reach their arms out and “grab” their worries in front of them. Squeeze those worries and bring them in, breathe in and say “I don't know, let it go” and let your arms and body “drop” the worries, hang loose like spaghetti.
Create Safe Spaces: Ensure your child has a designated safe space where they can retreat when feeling overwhelmed. This space can include comforting items and tools for self-regulation. Often children will come home with many emotions the first few weeks of school. This is normal! Many caregivers share that children will have emotional meltdowns. This is because children have been using and trying to control their brains, bodies, and emotions all day long. This is HARD, especially for younger children. It can be helpful for children to have a peaceful place they can retreat to to let out their emotions in a healthy way. This can look like a small corner in the home that has a box of all of their favorite soothing items (think use of 5 senses, so fidgets, essential oils/favorite perfume, stuffy, hard candy/gum, noise canceling headphones, happy pictures or trinkets to look at, etc). Teach your child how to access and use this area when they are CALM and able to access new information. It is important to refrain from teaching new skills in the middle of a meltdown, because the childs brain is essentially “offline” and they neurologically cannot access this information.
Label Emotions: Help your child identify and label their emotions. This enhances their emotional awareness and allows them to communicate their needs more effectively. It is important to normalize your childs emotions for start of school year, ie. “Its normal to feel worried or nervous for the start of the school year, I get nervous about it sometimes too. I remember feeling nervous about my first day at work”. Problem solve how the child might express their emotions in a healthy way, ie. set aside a “worry time”, this could look like setting a ten minute timer at the beginning/end of day and give your child the space to share and process all of their worries from their school day. You can have them draw and/or write down their worries throughout the day and put them in a worry box, and you can discuss them at the end of day. Share with your child what helps you when you feel worried about the start of the school year.
Provide Choices: Allow your child to have a sense of control by offering choices within limits. This empowers them and can reduce feelings of helplessness. This can be something as simple as offering them two choices for packing their lunches or what they wear to school, (i.e. Would you like fruit or veggies in your lunch box? Would you like to wear your unicorn shirt or bluey shirt?)
Routines and Predictability: Establish consistent routines and rituals that provide a sense of predictability and safety, helping to regulate the autonomic nervous system. This can even happen at school drop off, especially for children who struggle with separation anxiety. (i.e. I know you are going to have such a blast in P.E. and at recess today. Grandma is picking you up after school and you will be going to her house. I will see you after dinner time. This lays out the who, what, where, when, and how, which in turn gives the child a sense of what to expect throughout their day, and this creates safety and predictability.
Remember that each child is unique, and the application of these strategies may vary based on their age and individual needs. Being a supportive and empathetic presence in your child’s life can go a long way in helping them navigate their emotions and develop healthy self-regulation skills.
